Finding a Willingness to Listen
By Devon Hoxer
HUMANITIES STUDENT
I got sober in 2020. Through the heat of the summer, I spent a great deal of time with my bare, unadulterated self. I spent the year unlearning old habits, forcing myself to feel my feelings, and when my body wanted the path of least resistance—the magic ways I’d learned to numb the pain—I had to fight like hell to stay present and take new actions, to dig new rivers.
Summer 2020 presented its share of global and national pain to be acknowledged, felt, metabolized. Collective grief and discomfort was at the forefront of daily experience. I often felt like the ways my life was shifting mirrored the ways that America was being pushed to pay attention, to rise, and to adapt.
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It had never occurred to me that I could be the villain in someone else’s story, or my own.
One of the more well-known aspects of recovery from addiction is the process of making amends to those you have harmed. It’s another non-negotiable part of sustainable change: honestly examining the past and taking responsibility for the fallout of past versions of ourselves.
I think, overall, we’re pretty ill-equipped to handle the idea of being the bad guy. Most stories read to me as a kid encouraged me to believe in good and evil as straightforward, predictable concepts. It had never occurred to me that I could be the villain in someone else’s story, or my own.
There are versions of America that we’d rather not sit with, but this year has been a reminder to not look away. Growth happens when we have the bravery to stay, to give what we can even if it is just our attention. Eye contact. A willingness to listen. It’s a start.